Benny Tucker-Bronson
Benny Tucker-Bronson (1718-1772) is the illigitimate half-son, half-chimp of Martha Moorehead and Grodin Bronson (The great great great grandfather of Charles Bronson's youngest cousin, Brody Bronson). The Early Years Benny Tucker-Bronson (Born: Benny Bronson) was born on February 9th, 1718 to Martha Moorehead and Grodin Bronson. He lived on a farm in a commune just eight miles outside of whats now known as Odessa, Texas. Grodin and Martha were wealthy sharecroppers with a penchant for orange juice with a little bit of lime mixed in. This mutual love led the family to open the largest juice stand that side of the Mississippi in 1733. After the juice stand, Juice Stand Mandy's, took off, Martha and Grodin hired several African-American sharecroppers to run the stand. Around this time Benny, now fifteen years old, convinced his parents to allow him to run the juice stand, which he did until the loss of his right arm eight years later in 1741. It was just before the accident that Benny met Melinda Tucker, the grandmother of the great and future Sultan, founder of Poop School itself, Poop Bryan Tucker. Melinda Tucker and the Birth of Cedric On June 4th, 1740, Benny traveled to Rome, Italy to visit the Vatican. It was while admiring the glorious painted ceilings of The Vatican that Melinda Tucker walked right into Benny without even realizing it. The two fell over on to each other, and Benny's penis slid directly into Melinda's vagina, and he proceeded to ejaculate inside her. This led to the birth of Cedric The Entertainer Tucker-Bronson nine months later. Benny and Martha, noted for their progressive views, chose to hyphenate their last names in a show of solidarity. Clothing in the mid 1700's Clothing in the mid 1700's was poorly stitched and easily ripped. The Boating Accident On July 8th, 1742, the Tucker-Bronson family traveled to Lake Titicaca, Bolivia for an exciting afternoon. While out on a steamboat, Benny tripped and fell off the boat, causing him to fall into the paddlewheels of the ship. Benny was violently dragged through the water and his arm was crushed and torn off. At this time a large pack of pirranhas, smelling the blood in the water, rushed to the arm and ate it whole. Benny himself was rescued by one of his sharecropping coworkers, Richard "Richie" Targanox, who was later given a full years salary and control of the juice stand in Benny's absence. Cedric's Death and the Sexing of Melinda On an unverified night in October, 1748, Melinda and Benny sat by the fire in their newly built log cabin on an island off the coast of South Carolina, in a city known then as Riverrun, but would later change it's name in 1833 with the founding of Poop School. Benny had been using a new wooden prosthetic arm that his neighboor Ron Muldoon had built for him just three months earlier. Upon his third attempt to relight the dying fire, Benny's arm caught a loose flame and burned to a crisp leaving Benny with one arm once again. It was at this same moment that Ron Muldoon burst through the front door drunk and demanding the final payment on the house. When Benny revealed that he could not currently pay, Ron proceeded to strike Benny accross the face multiple times with a wooden club, another of Ron's famous woodwoorks . Once Benny lay on the floor bloodied and paralyzed, he watched as Ron rammed the baseball bat down Cedric's throat and out his anus until he lay dead and blooody on the floor next to him. Ron then had sex with Melinda in front of Benny and impregnated her with Reginald Ronald S. Tucker, the father of Poop School founder Poop Bryan Tucker. The Birth of a Nation... of Sultans. After the death of his son and assault of his wife, Benny swore that he would no longer be just a one-armed man, but a truly respectable one-armed entrepreneur. In the spring of 1749 he opened the Store for Sultans, a store which traded in ultra-high-end items. By September 3rd, 1752, he was finally able to repay his debt to Ron Muldoon. After hiring hitmen to murder Ron Muldoon, Benny fell into organized crime and amassed a great personal fortune. The Poop Mine Defense According to legend, in 1771, the town of Riverrun was invaded by British army scouts in advance of the Revolutionary War. Benny, attempting to hide his wife Martha and his bastard son Reginald, tunneled under his home and discovered the Great Poop Mine, which would later house the Poop School Underground Railroad. Benny and his family were forced to stay in the mine for several weeks while the British army occupied his house. On October 26, 1771, while the British soldiers slept, Benny and his son Reginald invaded the house and slit the throats of all the British army. Benny then proceeded to declare the land sacred and tithe it forever to the Tucker family. Although many scholars find this event historically dubious, given that 1771 is several years before the Revolutionary War was even a thought in anyone's mind, October 26th is memorialized each year with the Feast of Benny Tucker-Bronson. Death During the summer of 1772, Benny discovered to his horror that his illegitimate son, Reginald, had been carrying on an illicit affair with his own mother and Benny's wife, Martha Tucker-Bronson, and had in fact impregnated her. After confronting Reginald at The Cliffs of Tucker, Benny attacked Reginald and in the ensuing melee, Benny fell off the cliffs and died. In early 1773 the child of Reginald and Martha was born - the once and future Sultan of Poop School, Poop Bryan Tucker. Legacy Benny Tucker-Bronson is still celebrated as one of Poop School's 26 Venerated Martyrs. Additionally, a statue commemorating his apocryphal attack on the British Army stands at the gates of the Tucker Ancestral Palace, and a plaque commemorating his deathly fall can be found at the Cliffs of Tucker.